Sunday, February 27, 2011

The Memory of Lost Moments

Entering through the kitchen door, the intro music of Out of Africa spilled out into the yard. You can actually feel your heart squeeze, your lungs empty with a whoosh and the emotion of devastating loss rise up into your throat. Then, the uncontrolled rush of tears and memories swirl about as ghosts without form or substance. This had been our movie, our music and it was Africa..... the only thing he had ever wanted was an African Safari, and we never saw our way clear to go. This is my guilt; my shame; my wish to have said yes. So, with his sudden demise 11 years ago, this haunts me. For years could neither watch the movie or listen to the score.

How many times do we say, "Oh, well, there's always tomorrow"..... no, not always and we have left so much undone or not said. These are not original thoughts but they are reality. This music became very significant to us. We had been invited to be trainers at Philmont Training Center in New Mexico for several years; and as anyone who has been there, loved all of the pieces and parts of the ranch. When you entered the property from the side that brings you in from up behind the barns, the view was, to us, reminiscent of some of the movie's scenes of Africa's savannahs and Gret Riff. For atmosphere and to tease the moment, we would stop while the tape played that signature sound..... very special to us. It will ever be linked in my heart with that one man that brought fun, romance, adventure; he made my world complete. Well, it's true.

The scene when Dennis takes Karen for her plane ride is gripped with the sharing of life's special moments we often pass off as "oh, wow, that was beautiful", when the reality is that moment will never come again. We should wrap our arms around that person and hold on for dear life. How often does it slid away un-noticed? Just to feel the touch of his hand on mine; the arm that draws you near in the middle of the night; that funny look "I want you" while standing in a crowd .... there are not words to lessen the knowing you will never experience that again.

So, the movie ends with his sudden death .... odd, that hollow empty feeling. The hole that can't be filled again. Shopping for things doesn't help, the emptiness remains. Have seen where some immediately find another person for fear of being alone. Have watched others commit to the next relationship but hold back a portion of themselves so as to insure the whole self isn't hurt again. Granted walking in others shoes might change this point of view...but I doubt it. Shouldn't it be an all or nothing situation. Right, it's clear everyone doesn't/hasn't had a good experience in the marriage department; all the same, why would we partially commit. That's like trying two horses at one time .... a little awkward trying to keep your balance and not very satisfying. Love, if you ever come into my life again, it will be all or nothing. As the movie score plays for the credits, that knot swells in the throat and tears blur the vision for remembered and lost moments. Tomorrow may not arrive ... today is now ... aging makes one realize, life and love are fragile and precious!